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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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| Time: | 10:25 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
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yeah, there is a train
and it runs by my room and it
wakes me up in the middle of
the night at the arc of the rising
moon.
says "do you know who you are? do
you where you're goin'? and
will you survive in the
fire when the wind is blowin'?"
there is a train. and it
runs by my room. and the train
is called 'reality' and it's
comin' way too soon.
way too soon for a guy who
is livin' on the lies. and lookin' for the
shortcut and the secret to survive.
there are forces to guide you,
spirits beside you and rivers to
ride you home
to the stars.
-js.
i miss him a lot.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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for a long time i have been aware that i have some sort of degenerative eye thing. that i'm goin' blind, basically. wah. i've told a few peops but i guess i am telling you guys now. kambiz, zee soon to be doktor, suggested the possibility of retinal detachment being a factor now because, yes, it seems to have gotten a ton worse since, yes, the jake thing.
there are no excuses as to why i haven't yet made the appointment to investigate this. i guess i am scared. like, in a lot of ways. but
i am fucking scared. i've made my peace with a lot of thingz that this makes me think about. like the other night i had a lil breakdown while playing pokemon platinum and i screamed "how the fuck do blind people play videogames?!?" and mark said "...i don't know. i think they maybe don't?". and tonight i came home after a strung together amount of some very, very uncool days.
and i saw the stars. living in a town that is so still and quiet at night, with the lack of light poloosh that i've already mentioned, just makes them... fuck. shine? shimmer? sparkle?
makes them good enough to not need description.
so i sat on my porch and watched the big dipper creep ever so gracefully around and past the sky i stared at. fuck what happens now or what might happen. i want to see THIS exact thing. right. the fuck. now. while i still can. so i should go back outside now.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 3:37 pm. |
| Mood: | scholarly. | | Music: | one way - cutie pie. |
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so you may have heard about this social networking site called facebook, upon which it is easy and enjoyable to spend and subsequently waste many, many hours.
i've set my facebooks to be in german, so i only sortof know what it is ever asking me to do. so i'm not really sure which button to click on when it prompts me to respond to notizens in which i've been tagged. that's, i guess, what copy and paste and livejournal are for. right?
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Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First 15 you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose.
1. american gods by neil gaiman
2. why i am not a christian by bertrand russell
3. freckle juice by judy blume
4. the bible by, like, god or maybe some dudes
5. lolita by vladimir nabokov
6. youth in revolt by c.d. payne
7. the joy of cooking by fuck i don't really know but i bet they were fucking french
8. the berenstain bears and too much junk food by stan and jan berenstain
9. die verwandlung und andere erzaehlungen von franz kafka
10. rock this! by chris rock
11. the power of one by bryce courtenay
12. a separate peace by john knowles
13. still-life with woodpecker by tom robbins
14. created in darkness by troubled americans - the best of mcsweeney's humor category edited by dave eggers, kevin shay, lee epstein, john warner and suzanne kleid
15. the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 3:42 am. |
| Mood: | good-looking and smart. |
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it's the 25th anniversary of ghostbusters or some shit, so they showed both I and II on amc today. i hadn't seen either in a long time.
well i spose i've been a leel bit of a basketcase since i got my first "sorry someone raped and tried to kill ya! <3 the state of california" cheque in the mail a couple days ago. ghostbusters anniversary, you hella came at the exact. right. time.
i am grateful for this. for a lot of other things, too. this thunderstorm that is keeping me awake right now, for one. i guess i really realized tonight that i actually have never lived in the middle of nowhere before. i've seen fire and i've seen rain, but never with this absence of light pollution.
it is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.
HANNYWAY in GBII when venkman is all being vom-inducingly cute with oscar, he refers to himself twice as "uncle pete". fuck.
i miss my uncle pete. i always thought it was boringly overdone to be mad at someone for dying. i don't know. i guess it's easier to think that until you are actually mad at someone for actual for real dying.
thank you thunderstorm. thank you ghostbusters II. oh!
thank you, too, kinsella family.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 6:00 am. |
| Mood: | calm. | | Music: | just like the heat it'll be alright. |
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a long time ago i promised myself that i'd never live in any place that didn't allow for the loud sounds of the railroad. i have this thing with trains, see.
i've kept that promise ever since, but it's funny - it's been mostly happenstance. i haven't really had a lot of sway in the choice of where i've stayed lately, nor the time to assess train yard proximity.
and yet it seems always to happen. maybe because i am a born rail-rider or maybe that lines pump through this state like big, pulsing veins. all i know is that i can hear trains and the sigh of a bus and it's summer.
that means it's time for this:
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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i just started a mindband called tenticool. it was sent into the world to disapprove of tenticle rape and also to warn children about the dangers of tenticle rape.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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these are things i have said out loud.
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1. the new rambo -
"maybe the best thing that can happen to your eyes and mind".
2. california chips original flavor -
"imagine if the word 'rad' punched you in the fucking face".
3. rush the band -
"i think i love rush the band more than anything. seriously."
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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i don't know what's weirder...
the fact that kurt cobain died FIFTEEN YEARS AGO this sunday or the fact that this means my boyfriend was SIX when it happened.
SIX. can i rob me some cradles or what?
speaking of how creepy i am, hey, someone buy me this?
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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1. "i've got two words for NBC. ROLE-PLAYING CHAT ROOM."
2. "i have went to counseling many, many times."
3. "well my mom's gonna took... gonna take my computer and completely throw it away."
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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i am in woodland still.
where?
exactly.
if i already made that joke, i am not sorry. a boy loved me for a long time and then stopped. it was okay. i mean, it wasn't at first. then it was.
another boy with whom first mentioned boy played d&d met me one night. it may have been the last night of BSG, which i cried the entire way through. cant remember, dont care.
"days, all one kind, go chasing each other".
second boy took me to see watchmen with a mutual friend. i cried the whole way through that, too, but, jesus, if you know me at all you coulda called that one. this other boy knew i had nowhere to go, i mean, not quite nowhere, exactly, but nowhere i felt safe at or wanted to be. he also knew that we both like videogames and comic books a lot.
i guess we fell in love or whatever. fuck you. it happens.
sometimes you can talk to someone for ten seconds, or look at them, and you both just go holy shit. you are me if i weren't me. i will never lie to or not want to be next to you, and, despite knowing how irrational these thoughts may be, it doesn't matter because when i am next to you everything else goes away.
so go ahead. give me a what the fuck or a high-five.
i. feel. safe.
annnd he showed me this today: (there are nine eps, all worth watching)
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 18th, 2009
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so i forget what day they admitted me, but i went to the hospital. they discharged me after three days.
"for your age, you have the most damaged liver i have ever seen."
they gave me librium - a detox drug. they sent me back to the place id been secretly drinking alone for maybe a month, maybe a little bit less. a sober living house. ive mentioned it before.
i told them i didnt feel safe going back there. that if i went back there i knew id drink. sure as shit or a zig-zagged stitch in a quilt or a piece of fabric that could become one. why does there need to be a reason?
when someone knows something, crazy or sad or unreliable might they be, they know it. it doesnt mean you should trust or believe them. but give them the credit of not trusting or believing themselves, and look them in the eyes. you will probably be able to tell if they are full of shit or if they arent.
most people transported from hospitals to psych wards arent choosing to do so. sometimes when a person distrusts their own ability to keep themselves safe, sometimes when their insurance wont comply with what they sortof think they might they need, AGAIN, then they are left to their own devices.
these devices are pills and a quart of what makes her liver, despite her age, close to failing.
call it what you want. chart it as you must. it was me wanting to die and it was me failing. what angel and i would call a TOTAL CFH (cry for help).
didnt work. does anything?
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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ways in which i have tried to get the attention of the guy who works at the cafe down the street from where i live, and is hot:
1. doodling the words 'dungeon' and 'dragon' repetatively in what i felt were "sexy" fonts while sitting alone at the table nearest to the entrance/exit of the kitchen, which is where he was working that day.
2. low-cut dress.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
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| Time: | 5:17 am. |
| Mood: |  jubilant. | | Music: | rainer FUCKING maria. |
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i didn't have internets for like ten days.
then a totally cute boy was all like, shit, i rule at life anyway so why not just fix the computer your roommate lent you while i'm at it?
and i was like, boobs.
and now i have fifty fucking internets. at least.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 26th, 2009
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as i may have already mentioned, in a little over one month's time i will be relocating to portland, OR to continue kicking life's ass in the very specific way that i do. i will also be cohabitating with some asshole i met on livejournal.
this is a list of totally crucial shit that i would like to have in our apartment:
1) a fucking wolf rug
2) a fucking d&d pinball machine
i am willing to do highly immoral and possibly unpleasant things to acquire one of these. contact me via AIM if interested.
3) a fucking kitchenaid mixer
chrome or gtfo
4) a weenerhund, ridiculous outfit optional
5) original boris vallejo art
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Comments: Read 15 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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behold! these are dogs.
the smaller one is the puppeh. i named her blue loulou after blue lou marini of blues brothers fame (he was the saxophone player) and because she has blue eyes which is rare for sheepdogs.
the regular-sized one is minnie pearl, who is named not after the actress but instead after the line in the dead milkmen song 'punk rock girl' that goes "you look just like minnie pearl, yeah, you're for me punk rock girl!". my mom used to really like that song.
those human parts in the picture belong to her.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 19th, 2009
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happy three-hundedth anniversary of edgar allen poe's birthday, y'all. i'm going to wear my amazing raven necklace in his honor. i just hunted around my old entries for the picture i took of it when i bought it, but im not reposting it because my neck looks weird/fat. apparently necks can do that.
yesterday i watched a lot of football with swastika tattoo guy who lives here and likes to follow me up the staircase when i wear short skirts. i think we bonded. i hope he doesnt kill/rape me if he relapses on meth. eagles arent going to the superbowl. seriously, fuck the cardinals and everything else about arizona except for the 99 cent juice tall cans at the corner store.
saw my mom on saturday and it went pretty well. talked to her about my book project which i havent mentioned here yet. ill get around to explaining that soon. she was amazingly supportive and for the most part didnt make me want to run screaming from her. we also talked a bit about portland and every time that happens i get giant life-boners made out of excitement and glee.
OH AND PUPPEHS. last night i called her after the steelers won ("PENNSYLVANIA IS STILL IN IT!" "...it's not the same.") and she told me that her and my dad are going to "look at" an old english sheepdog puppeh today. who "looks at" puppehs, really? like you're gonna say... nah this one isn't the cutest fucking thing i've ever seen enough... thanks for your time. sooo unless this dog is seriously crunk in some way this means there will be A NEW PUPPEH at my parents' house. i never go there, but still. so i asked my mom if i could tag along on puppeh assessment mission and she acquiesced! BRINGING CAMERA ZOMG PUPPEHSPUPPEHSPUPPEHS
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 15th, 2009
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i found an old sketch-book that tessa and tangerine and i used to doodle in when i first moved to 523 B 42nd street, Oakland, CA 946somethingnumber.
tessa drew a lot of cups of bubble tea. i hated bubble tea - i hate slimy things, so she drew a lot of them to piss me off. she drew a lot of umbrellas and moustaches and cupcakes with the 152 piece glitter pen set my aunt had bought me at costco.
its weird to look at them now, knowing shes dead and always will be. i could frame them or burn them, but i will probably never do either.
for now, i will google image search some of the prime phrases we doodled in that sketch-book, and post the most pleasing results.
1) "GUINEA PUNX":
2) "veeegan cupcake?":
3) "BUBBLE TEA":
4)"PARALYZING SPIDER BITE";
5) "wolverine":
6) "breffislonchdinnar":
7) "whiskey women":
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
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if you were like me circa just shy of about a month ago, you might assume that your tendency to do absurd things like immediately instant message your ex-boyfriend when you see him sign on for the first time in literally years (his screenname, tardfest2003, unintentionally alludes to all one might need to know about that relationship for the purposes of this example), or become teary-eyed while listening to 'dreams' by van halen, or cause a ruckus in the cafe when a loud and lazy-eyed man yells "FUCK YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" in response to some choice words you said to him after he very rudely jumped in front of you in line, yes, you might assume these sorts of things were directly related to how much time you spent fueled by cheap vodka.
however, these incidents and others comparable to them in their absurdity have all taken place over the past several days while i was dead sober and feeling pretty alright. and the familiarity of the circumstances and the consistency of my reactions to them are comforting.
yep. today i am grateful that i will always be exactly like this.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
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7:48 am - wake up. decide to clean bathroom. discover mysterious, unrecognizable hairs on linoleum. discard of hairs. going at grout like a woman posessed by green side of sponge, i wonder if perhaps a ginger-haired male or female has recently been a guest here, or is, holy shit, maybe trying to kill one of us? i squeak windex from mirrors with shitty paper towels that leave paper dust in their wake. i think, oh! maybe the dead relative of someone who lives here is trying to contact them by leaving piles of ginger hair. it would be an inside thing in their relationship - why should it rmake any sense to me? suddenly feel pang of guilt for sweeping up mysterious hairs.
8:52 am - sip artificially sweetened mug of liptons as i peruse the offerings of a catalogue called VENUS, which was mailed to a former resident. wonder again at the terminology of a maxi-dress. set mug down. realize an orange cat named carmella lives here.
2:09 pm - go to pee. witness awesome nature fight between spider and, like, at least 14 ants. flush, wash hands, skip down hallway.
2:13 pm - wonder if telling roommate about nature fight is appropriate. wonder if having ants and spiders in the bathroom is appropriate.
3:35 - set out for bike ride to test healing process of crunk left foot and soak up lovely day. clf feels suprisingly thumbs up.
4:24 - come home. immediately after hopping off bicycle it feels as though my entire left lower-leg region is seriously crunk, like, crunker than before times fuuuck. hobble up to my room. stretch some, try not to panic, remove tights, assess damage.
4:36 pm - re-assess damage by comparing clf to normal right foot. become alarmed at clf's swelling, not because it hurts or looks somewhat like i am wearing a sock made out of bruise, but because when i pinch the skin it gets wrinkly. i have always prided myself on my cute feet. what if, when the swelling goes down, my foot is left to look like a once-obese person who started eating subway for lunch? i can't afford surgery to remove extra foot skin. this could change my entire approach to footwear.
5:03 pm - realize it's been over 24 hours since ive received a text from the anging philadelphia artist with whom i once lived. grow concerned; decide to text him.
7:00 - return of the jedi is on spike. i cry at the end. my roommates make fun of me.
9:09 - receive text from apa. he explains that his phone was shut off. sends a text picture of himself dressed as heath ledger's joker. maybe the tenth of its kind that he's sent since halloween. i ask, christ, did you actually dress up again?
he replies, "dress up?? hahahaa". i become alarmed, distantly.
seriously though i better not have some sag foot.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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icumblood's journal
scared.
nostalgic.
numb.
accomplished.
excited.
chipper.
i miss her.
grateful.
contemplative.