i've never not cheated on someone. fact. not something i'm proud of, but something that seems important to know. about me, i mean.
yesterday i was thinking a lot about it. it was never about sex, see. an "open relationship" has never appealed to me because the thought of a person i love touching or thinking of someone else sexually turns my stomach. it's about love, not sex.
so i've hurt people in the past by fucking around on them, sure, but i think what's meanest about it is that i cared about the other people. i loved them, or thought i did or wanted to. and that is a betrayal. i was talking to ben about it yesterday after i raped the children's and family sections of the movie rental place down the street that is having a going out of business sale for all of their vhs, hello all dogs go to heaven and horton hears a who and land before time and every ernest film and every madeline film and anyway, i asked him how unrealistic it would be to admit to myself that maybe i won't ever be able to be in love with just one person.
i love people, a lot. it's just sort of what i do, and i don't consider it a fault until it ends up hurting those people or confusing them. honesty is, in fact, the best policy, so having feelings for someone back in san francisco who is willing to buy me a ticket! home! to see my parents and peekay! and thinks he is in love with me! and that, friends, is a whole notha story! seems like something i should talk to the person i've chosen to spend my life with about, right? so i did. while he shaved my lady-parts. talk about feeling vulnerable in pretty much every possible way.
ben understands. that's why this thing with us works in it's own completely not normal way. he has always loved me DESPITE OF GREAT FAULTS AS BLONDE REDHEAD WOULD SAY and no, he's not over the moon about me loving another person or thinking i might or wondering if i should or kind of wanting to. and he hates that it is completely one sided because i would literally, actually rip his face off if he ever admitted to having a crush on another girl, and no, friends, logic sure ISN'T listed in my skill set. i haven't made any decisions about this, okay? i'm PONTIFICATING, dig? because that's why jesus made online diaries, bro.
so, san francisco jonathan isn't too keen on it either, as would be expected. because who the fuck would be keen on this whole worship me, ONLY ME, and accept that i share with other people something akin to the intimacy i share with you deal? well, if you're out there, call me because we could probably live happily ever after.