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Friday, May 31st, 2013

Time:11:19 pm.
Tonight I feel better than I have in a long time. Summer decides itself as a break, and drips purpose - despite me having no schedule to speak of that would be affected by the season change, I am nostalgic and motivated artistically. I hear songs on the radio that I like; I answer phone calls from friends and talk at length or briefly, for no particular reason other than to enjoy one another. Tomorrow I plan to use a bleach pen to draw on my clothes - the possibilities are endless with this and I am brimming with ideas. I've worn big chunky wedges and tight shorts. It all feels so terribly important again, like it used to. I love this feeling.
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Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

Subject:So on and so forth
Time:5:11 pm.
I mentioned that the whole Iowa story as it were cannot be relayed in one livejournal post, nor can it perhaps ever been done full justice by any of my attempts to do it so. I like to think of it, on better days, as an exciting challenge! I literally cannot make this shit up, and lawdy, it deserves telling. For today let us just visit this link and digest the fact that at one point I was engaged, yes! to the man on the right:

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Sunday, May 19th, 2013

Time:5:45 am.
We hiked to Eagle Peak on Mount Diablo yesterday. I bounced up as though it were nothing, and at times it was miserable, but in general I felt more alive than I have in a long time. This week has been a rough one. With a generally clearer head comes, of course, the shitty depression we use distraction to avoid. When that runs out well, kid, there you are. A hike reminded me that my body is resilient as fuck, and the realization is proof that my mind also is. I've been working out regularly and the changes are genuinely impressive, especially to Andrew, who knows my body and has a doctor's and personal trainer's knowledge of these things, for real. He also is my gym partner and his relationship with and understanding of food and nutrition has helped me immensely. I am healthier than I have ever been in my adult life. This is our first of many hikes of the season, including Mount Whitney, which is just over a month away.

Also, I look like someone's goofy kid brother or, as my buddy Molly pointed out, a character in a remake of Stand By Me (Teddy Duchamp, natch), but do you see that pump? I have muscle tone!
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Saturday, May 18th, 2013

Subject:I still give a pretty big shit about music, too.
Time:12:27 pm.
Mood:I don't belong anywhere..
I forgot to take advantage of the music option on here! One of the most telling parts of my history here written, for sure. Lately I'm in love with a band called Hiss Golden Messenger. I've not heard a song by them that didn't impress me. I guess they recently put out something new and it's incredible, but here's a soundcloud link to some other jams. Just listen to them.

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Friday, November 4th, 2011

Subject:yeah... no.
Time:6:33 am.
Mood: drained.
Okay. In twenty-some hours I will be frantically trying to fogure out which bus gets me to the cedar rapids airport, but that's's beside the point. And speaking of the point, there really isn't one here. I'm just a uterus-possesing person who is trying to pack for a trip home.

It's easier, I'm sure, if you're normal. I'm not. I mean we aren't - our family - blessed and cursed with giving way too much of a shit about each other. So how do I pull this off? This whole I'm okay thing. And the dog is looking at me like he's totally judging me. And clothes! Fucking clothes and shoes. Nothing ever looks right anyway so let's bring it all. Let's bring none of it. Just hefty bag fulla crosswords and terry pratchett books. But they'd be pissed if I showed up naked, right? Fuck. I never know how to dress for travel. The post 9/11 bullet-belt wearing incident did not go over well. Wish me luck.
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Saturday, October 1st, 2011

Time:11:46 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
Yesterday I read fervently as my fiance toiled at his job as the kitchen manager of the night shift at ryan's steakhouse - a respectable iowan establishment at which I could never bring myself to eat. Upon his return to our humble apartment, he found me splayed on the bed, true crimes novels I'd reread for at least the tenth time each haloing me, our neglected dog coiled at my feet.

He is not the jolly man in the christmas photo below. Rather he is the man I left ben for, or whom ben left me because of. He is a handsome, tawny thing - elliott smith come back to life, but lacking the musical talent. At times, though, he shares mr. Smith's penchant for all things morbid, as of course do I. Funny. Ben's last name is smith.

I found it strange, upon waking, that he was so amazed at the amount of reading I'd done in an afternoon, the stacks of notes I'd taken. Words are all I have here when he is away. Words or a landlord who likes to party a little too hard but certainly knows how to have a good time.

And this silly dog, who resembles a skinned seahorse gutted and stuffed with a football. I'm starting to write again. What the hell is is there to do here except get pregnant or ride the bus in endless, saddening loops.

Welcome back, fuckwads. I missed you, too.
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2011

Time:3:03 pm.
Do people even give a shit about livejournal anymore? Why should they when we, as a species, have evolved to the point where even people who aren't horrifically awkward socially are posting what they're up to at any given moment all up in the internet? These people probably LIKED high school and work out regularly.

Whatever happened to just being a creepy nerd who felt understood when they discussed, via IM, how misunderstood they felt? Well. Ells and gees, I say we gotta take this shit back.

Over ten years ago I started writing on here about shit that doesn't really matter. I mean, sure, my thoughts and feelings? Totally valid. Just saying I never managed to cure cancer. And yet I have livejournal to thank for some of my best, worst and most forevery connections to actual fellow humans.

I'm not angry - just dissapointed in us as a creepy anti-social community. Oh, so you grew up, got a job and are in some stable relationship now? KUDOS. Maybe I did or didn't or unsuccessfully did that too, but damnit, I'm still as terrified of everything as you and damnit, just because you can afford to see a shrink now does not mean you can deny us your rants. So I challenge and pitifully beg of you, livejournal family. Make me feel like I'm not the only lonely, startled and baffled "grownup" who still needs this. Bring it.
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Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Subject:obligatory new year's post. forgive me?
Time:8:36 am.
Mood: grateful.
well well, my creepy lurkers. another year has passed.

i don't give a shit about what the calender says, but i suppose it's human nature to look back on a full rotation of seasons and reflect upon what has transpired. to look forward to the possibilities the next rotation holds.

it's hard to believe that i've been in iowa for over a year and haven't even changed the status of my town on fucking livejournal. maybe i never will. it's hard to believe that this person who allowed me to stay with him has put up with my insane ass since the day after the thanksgiving before last. it's hard to believe that, since moving here, i've acquired a job that i've been subsequently phased out of, acquired friends that i've subsequently managed to alienate, that i've acquired other friends that are true blue through and through and don't care how nutballs i am.

actually, the last three things aren't too hard to believe. i've gotten used to those things happening most years.

as far as accomplishments go, i have established a general forward propulsion of not being horrible.

i actually do dishes. i shower almost daily. i fold laundry! i don't throw up every time i eat.

so far i've managed not to kill my tiny puppy friend, although i think this is mostly due to luck. also, i'm still unsure if he is actually a dog. suspicions lead me to believe that he is actually a tube of sugar cookie dough with doritos stuck on it that the universe somehow breathed life into.

anyway, i love you all. fuck you! go forth and do your thang. happy whatever!

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

Subject:an invitation to the worst holiday gathering ever which is still worth attending because...
Time:9:16 am.
a really cute puppy will be there.

we are hosting a gathering to celebrate the holiday season.
it will take place on the eleventh of december at promptly whenever the fuck you feel like showing up!
i must warn you, though, that due to our new roommate, mr. neil pert hamburger, certain stipulations must be put forth if you do plan to attend. and we hope you do!


1) if you plan on wearing shoes, leave them outside. all shoes will be eaten, so it's best to either not wear them to the party at all or, if you are brave, risk them being stolen out of our yard by the crackhead neighbors.

2) avoid any clothing featuring a zipper. this includes, but is not necessarily limited to, zip-up sweatshirts, jeans, etc.

3) on second thought it is probably best not to actually wear any clothing. we will turn the heat up, and, hey, who knows? things could get interesting.

4) if you insist on wearing clothing, please make sure it is not of great value or importance to you. it will be eaten.

5) do not bring any food. food will be provided but will be served on a one-person-at-a-time basis in a locked bathroom.

6) do not have a beard. i know this is of great difficulty seeing as many of you are bearded, but trust me. it will be eaten.

7) HAVE FUN!!!

see you there!

sarah, ben, burger and fenriz.
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Subject:heya dickpuddles!
Time:6:27 pm.
Mood: good.
winter solstice decomeratin':

handcut tarot print chain

solsticey hallway with seven falling stars and seven of the most powerful cards in the major arcana. each card is marked on its back with the name of a god the card represents in seven ancient cultures who celebrated the solstice.

(please note signed emperor poster and darkthrone tablecloth)

handcut falling stars in all of our windows

happy winter!
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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

Subject:sports = riots
Time:1:02 pm.
Mood: excited.
i am going to be on a flight home to san francisco in less than four hours! this means i get to hug my friends, snugadug my cat and feel really awkward around my family! all in all i am completely fucking pumped.

the only shitty thing? spending a week away from this guy:

his full name is neil pert hamburger, but we just call him hamburger. he is puppy asleep in my lap right now and i'm already having separation anxiety. i love him.

i should probably pack now.
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Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Time:9:26 pm.
Mood: chipper.
my friend andrew asked me to make a top ten list of summer "things" for his "web" "site", which is http://thehorribleandthemiserable.wordpress.com/.

here is my list.

10. burritos

one time my best friend attempted to have sex with a burrito. he was horny and curious, and really likes burritos. he couldn't get off because, according to him, he felt too silly about it. i immediately asked if he ate the burrito thereafter. he replied with, "um, duh".

9. sanford and son

something about a curmugeony old racist mostly black man makes me want to sit outside and drink iced tea. with whiskey in it. i can't take my tv outside, though. it sucks.

8. the idea of going fishing

even if i don't eat fish, or know anyone who has a boat, or would ever so much as touch anything that came out of the crotch-rot-smelling bodies of waters in iowa, i still like the idea of fishing.

7. not exercising

you know shit is getting lame right about when you first hear someone use the term "bikini season". and i mean they say it outloud, it isn't just when you see it on the cover of some shitty tabloid magazine while you are at the drugstore buying beer. it makes you want to get fat.

6. bugs in your face

bugs in your face suck, but it's funny to watch your friends get really upset about it.

5. kiddie pools

i don't like kids, and i really don't want them in any pool i may go into, but i like kiddie pools. i asked my boss if we could use company money to buy one. i would hang out in it all day giving out samples of pizza. you know that would sell a lot of pizza.

4. smelling bad

i probably always smell a little less good than the average woman, but it is more forgivable this time of year.

3. the ice cream truck

i don't ever buy shit from the ice cream truck, and i haven't since i was probably the age desired of the common molester, but i still get nostalgic when i hear that creepy fucking sound of ice cream truck music. and really, we have invented iPhones but still use the same ice cream truck music technology? how? i love it.

2. chicks wearing less clothing

this is one of those examples of something that is rad when you live in san francisco (where i used to) and less rad when you live in iowa (where i do now). trust me.

1. people who set themselves on fire grilling

this will probably happen to my dad now, because i just typed it and am also a horrible person. anyway, WOOOOOOOOO summer!
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Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Time:4:12 pm.
iowan thunderstorms are some shit to behold, man.

don't be in your boyfriend's mom's barbie-ish car that is basically a pink chair with a tarp taped to the top of it it during one while she talks to you about tornadoes, though, because trust me that shit is anxiety-inducing. but the resonant sounds, the intensity of the rain at one moment and the softness of it another and how it can go hotcoldhotcoldhotcold on your arms while you watch bolts of electricity make the sky their bitch - it's pretty rad.

never thought i'd miss earthquakes, but hoo boy. the weather here does not fuck around. i keep telling myself that if a twister comes while i am in this house maybe i'll wake up in oz.

alas, there is no place like home.
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Monday, May 10th, 2010

Time:10:45 pm.
frank frazetta died.

as a girl who grew up liking comic books and fantasy far more than actual people, frank spoke to me. when i first saw his depictions of women i felt spoken back to. he drew them as no one else had. stretch-marked, sad eyed, beer gutted and always beside spirit animals or some male hero. defuckingtermined and beautiful.

he drew and painted women like the ones i was raised by and the one i became and for that i am infinitely grateful.

thank you, mista f.
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Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

Time:10:38 am.
i woke up to the sound of the air-raid siren in town being tested and masturbated. i guess the thought of the world ending can be a turn-on sometimes.
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Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Subject:i'm typing words.
Time:11:30 am.
Mood: horny.
beautiful women teach lessons in patience and restraint. these are lessons i will eventually learn, and i tell myself that because the other outcome sucks and i choose not to consider it.

a friend was here last night. we havent hung out much but like each other a lot and she'd just had her heart shit on and was drunk. the boys watched i'm with busey but i could tell she was getting distant, and sad, so i invited her to watch royal tennenboops in my room because that is what girls like to do sometimes.

i played with her hair and let her talk for a long time about why she was sad. i held her, too, for a long time. her hair is so long and soft and i kissed the nape of her neck a few times. when i stopped, because i was getting a little pantsexcitey, she said "don't stop playing with my hair. i know it's dumb but it just feels so good." it was the cutest thing ever, like she is. i felt guilty for ever having entertained the idea of making a move - i didn't, and wouldn't. she needed a friend and a comfort, and i stuck with that. now i have whatever the chick version of blueballs is, but remain not creepy.

my integrity - 1, my nether regions - 0.
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Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

Time:11:18 pm.
i break shit. a lot, and have for as long as i can remember and don't care to wonder why. it started as physically anger-based responses to what i would assume was the aggression and fear instilled in me by my upbringing, but lately i've noticed its evolution.

when dvds won't play when i am in the room but work perfectly otherwise, and when fuses blow in the cars belonging to whomever i am being given a ride by. when the very recently replaced batteries in the smoke detectors in our house all give up in one day, and are re-replaced, and give up again. when your cable goes out when i am staying at your house, and also your internet and i guess you get the idea.

but i fix shit, too. i can rescue us from becoming stranded in a wal-mart parking lot because your engine won't turn over and i do so by gently leaning over and reinserting the keys into the ignish and saying whatever the fuck my own version of a prayer is. and i kick ass for that reason.
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Friday, April 16th, 2010

Subject:an open letter to like, everything and everyone.
Time:1:16 pm.
Mood: angry.
dear e&e,

fuck. you.

so what if i can't have an orgasm while i am staring at the wall and thinking about, like, life, or whatever while my boyfriend tongues my asshole? SO WHAT? and to you, sir of the crazyland wants to buy me a train ticket home ilk, well, if you don't stop talking to me then i honestly am only going to make your life worse and i am okay with that, sortof, but man, it still sorta blows and anyway you have like 8 million reasons not to put up with me so heed your own advice or don't but either way know that this is how i am. not sane, a life ruiner, etc.

i think being mad burns more calories than idly accepting things does, so fuck yoga. let's brawl.


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Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Subject:i hope that "it's been a while" song gets stuck in your head, too.
Time:8:27 am.
Mood: geeky.
i've never not cheated on someone. fact. not something i'm proud of, but something that seems important to know. about me, i mean.

yesterday i was thinking a lot about it. it was never about sex, see. an "open relationship" has never appealed to me because the thought of a person i love touching or thinking of someone else sexually turns my stomach. it's about love, not sex.

so i've hurt people in the past by fucking around on them, sure, but i think what's meanest about it is that i cared about the other people. i loved them, or thought i did or wanted to. and that is a betrayal. i was talking to ben about it yesterday after i raped the children's and family sections of the movie rental place down the street that is having a going out of business sale for all of their vhs, hello all dogs go to heaven and horton hears a who and land before time and every ernest film and every madeline film and anyway, i asked him how unrealistic it would be to admit to myself that maybe i won't ever be able to be in love with just one person.

i love people, a lot. it's just sort of what i do, and i don't consider it a fault until it ends up hurting those people or confusing them. honesty is, in fact, the best policy, so having feelings for someone back in san francisco who is willing to buy me a ticket! home! to see my parents and peekay! and thinks he is in love with me! and that, friends, is a whole notha story! seems like something i should talk to the person i've chosen to spend my life with about, right? so i did. while he shaved my lady-parts. talk about feeling vulnerable in pretty much every possible way.

ben understands. that's why this thing with us works in it's own completely not normal way. he has always loved me DESPITE OF GREAT FAULTS AS BLONDE REDHEAD WOULD SAY and no, he's not over the moon about me loving another person or thinking i might or wondering if i should or kind of wanting to. and he hates that it is completely one sided because i would literally, actually rip his face off if he ever admitted to having a crush on another girl, and no, friends, logic sure ISN'T listed in my skill set. i haven't made any decisions about this, okay? i'm PONTIFICATING, dig? because that's why jesus made online diaries, bro.

so, san francisco jonathan isn't too keen on it either, as would be expected. because who the fuck would be keen on this whole worship me, ONLY ME, and accept that i share with other people something akin to the intimacy i share with you deal? well, if you're out there, call me because we could probably live happily ever after.
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Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Time:9:44 am.
Mood: chipper.
one time this kid i loved so very much as a best friend tried to kill me. it happened and anyway a lot has happened since, so i wouldn't insult you by starting an entry with some "well, i haven't updated in a long time"-type bullshit. so jake, jake. his name is jake! i don't know. i like you and i live in iowa now.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for little susie.

View:User Info.
View:Website (all reification is a kind of forgetting.).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.