you get what you settle for.

Subject:	noyesnoyesnononoNOyes
Time:	12:15 am.
Mood:	scared.

for a long time i have been aware that i have some sort of degenerative eye thing. that i'm goin' blind, basically. wah. i've told a few peops but i guess i am telling you guys now. kambiz, zee soon to be doktor, suggested the possibility of retinal detachment being a factor now because, yes, it seems to have gotten a ton worse since, yes, the jake thing.

there are no excuses as to why i haven't yet made the appointment to investigate this. i guess i am scared. like, in a lot of ways. but

i am fucking scared. i've made my peace with a lot of thingz that this makes me think about. like the other night i had a lil breakdown while playing pokemon platinum and i screamed "how the fuck do blind people play videogames?!?" and mark said "...i don't know. i think they maybe don't?". and tonight i came home after a strung together amount of some very, very uncool days.

and i saw the stars. living in a town that is so still and quiet at night, with the lack of light poloosh that i've already mentioned, just makes them... fuck. shine? shimmer? sparkle?

makes them good enough to not need description.

so i sat on my porch and watched the big dipper creep ever so gracefully around and past the sky i stared at. fuck what happens now or what might happen. i want to see THIS exact thing. right. the fuck. now. while i still can. so i should go back outside now.

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